Into May

This month has been the most wavering month in the year so far.

It feels like things for me were changing for the worse.

It feels like things were giving up.

I feel so annoyed at things. I'm easily upset. I dont show it to anyone. Im just easily upset.

I dont even speak to my sister or my mom. Including a cousin because theyre all upsetting to me.

That decision, left me with no emotional outlet, even just a tiny bit of my emotions were being communicated with them , at least I still had it. Now that I dont talk to them anymore I just cant help but to search for someone whom to talk to.

For a while I looked for people. For a week or so I did.

I tried looking for an emotional outlet. I failed.

I also stopped talking about my emotions to ChatGPT not entirely but its a lot more controlled and limited now.

Things emotionally and strategically has changed for me.

I guess it was time that I find another way.

Oh but thinking about ignoring my parent. I guess it has helped me a lot. Since I was focused on learning this month and the previous months. I didnt give enough time to freelance or work. So I barely hold onto some money I still have that might save me.

If instead I was still communicating with them, I probably have already spent it for my family. Well this way that i still have it. I can still learn and grow. Worry about finance less or fear less that if say my computer screen or my charger was to broke down I still have a bit of money to spend to fix them.

Another blow for me was I'm unknowingly dropped out from school and my teachers already has dropped me out from their record said by the head teacher. Nobody mentioned in the group chat I was in that TESDA required that teachers were to capture photos as proof they taught the class and attendance of the students. Alongside the attendance sheet. That wasnt in my scope of knowledge. I didnt hear about that news. It was like a week after I last went to the school that they implemented this. I thought I might have been the culprit of that change because I know when I was signing those attendance sheets I dropped them in front of like the person assigned by TESDA to give allowances. I freaking dropped it in front of her. So thats why maybe she reported it and now they required teachers to take a photo of the class each time block. I feel sorry yet I wanted that from the start. But I know many things couldve worsened for me since I was trying to move fast.

That was the letter I give the head teacher. That he said he would pass to my teachers if theyll reconsider. Until now he havent messaged. I know I wouldnt be given another chance and hes just waiting for me instead of him going to me and relaying the bad news.

Above all of this unfortunate things happening.

I started to apply to jobs. Im closing to 10 applications sent so far and I didnt hear back from any of them.

It was unfortunate, Yes I was trying to apply to jobs near me. I wanted to get out of the house for the meantime. I didnt want to get interviewed via calls because Ill panick and Im just scared of that. Freelancing this time might still not be a good fit. I tried but didnt find something that works even for peanuts.

Beside all the sadness, frustrations, disappointments,loneliness, uncertainty, hopelessness I felt during this month.

I do think theres silver lining, and things that has happened this month that was great and should make me at least feel a sense of happiness.

So that articulates what I learned this month. It was great, I think im underestimating what those mean to me. If my previous self who complains about my own programming competency sees this I think he'll be at least proud of it.

The thought of that makes me a little bit happier.

I purchased spotify premium the on sale. I was late to do another purchase on crunchyroll they had a big sale this may and i missed it huhuhu.

Even when I got one client from freelancing this month. It was terrible but it was eye opening to what danger lurks in the internet if youre not careful. I dont really know what i got myself into. But it feels like one person who have a service business or freelancing themself was also in some shady drug business or something because they just couldnt provide proof of sold items or anything related to that but she made me create invoices in paypal and send it. My paypal account has finally had something in it for a while. Yet i own none of it. She said Im entitled to 10% for each. Each time theres a transaction I felt hopeful that I could finally save up to buy things that were a necessary for me or have a life of my own. The commision on each sale was just commision earning and theres said $800 a month huhuhu.

I shouldve been more careful about that. Thats a huge margin for a retail business. Which should sound shady to anyone and should already be enough to stop me in my track earlier.

Now my paypal account cant be used for transfers until i provide evidence of purchase and she just doesnt have it.

Im unsure of what to think of the experience. If the experience has a value it or its just a loss.

I feel like its both. So i still consider it a win. To have this new experience and lesson afterward.

Now.

If there is truly a win for me I had this month. In direct monetary value its this.

Its almost. Only if I didnt refuse to give up on leads like this for my startup.

I thought at a time i got this demo request. That if i got this earlier when it was early january or february i couldve continued to make the platform better even if i was still purely naive on programming.

But next month I would balance trying to work and actually improving my chance of success on my startup. Although i know learning about programming alone was already an effort for my startup.

Last of the small win this month was my bookmarks and my phone is also getting cleaner. The value of having a clear mind might be invisible to others but it affects work and studies immensely.

So theres that.

This month was soooo tough. I thought it was horrible but now that i have written about the experience and stuff that happened to me this month. I was grateful.

I genuinely feel a bit of satisfaction even though probably if i compared this month to the rest of the month i already had and to future months this would likely be in the top 3 of most painful month lol.