Into April

This month, was half full of emotions.

This month isnt the happiest nor the saddest.

But it has a really wide range.

I will go through it chronologically.

First thing I remember this month, was our food supply in the house is going so low.

We even have a cousin come over for vacation.

I feel more compelled to at least show more responsibility in our house.

But at the time I dont even have the capacity to go out the house (not to buy, just going out, im even concerned mom is going to ask me to buy something, which she did, and i didnt buy anything) for a few times.

But first before I actually have a resolution for this problem.

I remember.

I go to this uhm workshop.

It feels great to go on another event after a long time. The last event I attended was around October last year (i remember pieces of the memories, it was also fun and soo uncertain lol).

So i go to this workshop right its three consecutive days. I only attended one day because I couldnt find any potential friend or just someone who has mutual energy or direction.

Then the next day.

For the first time someone actually mentioned me to the school group chat. Wanting me to do an activity or go to the school. And a friend well not so much of a friend but still a friend i guess. Is calling me this morning like a little forcibly but understandably, hes asking me to bring my birth certificate, because he was asked by the school admin.

At the same time i thought ok i give in. I will go to school today and at the same time I thought about going to the event again to just maximize whatever i get from going out.

So as i was preparing to go out right. I have nothing more than i dont know a few eggs for a choice to cook. So i broke the silence and sighs i hear when mom enters my room.

This day I actually said to my mom. Ok we dont have anything to eat. Can you open one of your coin bank and Ill pay whatever is inside it so you can buy food. I said, but i said at an uncertain tone when i can pay, i said soon or this month (this is around noon)

I can said that because I was thinking maybe next month or maybe soon our tesda allowance will come.

And this is the time it became magical again.

You know what.

Nobody in the school thought that the person holding the checks was going to the school today. At the exact day that people in the school is acting up and wanting me to go to school while simultaneously feeling anxious when Id pay for our food / loan whatever the coin bank amounts to my mom.

At that afternoon, After arriving at school. I was waiting. I was actually waiting patiently because everyone seems a bit busy that time. If they arent I wouldve just gave the document theyre asking, fill in my attendance, and dashed out to go to the event but instead I waited when it was my turn to receive my allowance.

With the check in hand. I confidently said to my mom an exact date of when I can pay for the money I was borrowing for our food supply.

Its one of the stories I would perhaps remember forever. God helps me a ton. In way I can never measure.

Yesterday before this event where I receive the check. So the first day of the workshop event. I go to church that time. I feel kinda dull, hopeless and extremely uncertain. I was avoiding going home early because again mom has asked me to buy something and i dont have any money.

I was asking god, if he can help me clear some uncertainty I was feeling. I go to this event. And I didnt feel happy at all. I dont know. I just felt extremely oblivious. I dont know and everywhere I go, everyone I know, I feel like they dont care a single bit. I do care for everyone i know from time to time. Visit profiles and seek news from some of the people I care for.

Yet I was looking at my reality. And it seem that nobody care, for anything that i do or to me. I mean its fine. Im used to it but i just feel like im living a life that has no effect to anyone, even i still care to people that have already forgotten about me. sighs. it feels bad, but i guess its what happens when you go on a journey alone.

But anyways. To summarize the foretold story. My family has conflict, I went to church - i asked god for help and something magical happens.

This is another story, it was long and I dont want to say it all. But i feel terrible. Even now it still affects me. Around april 10 or something. I found a post online that resembles how someone familiar speaks, and this post felt something that was terribly relevant to this time. so naturally i searched for their other post, and on every post that i saw seems like it confirms my suspicions. regarding on things that i read and how i perceived how much i value this person when this person doesnt even value a friendship or anything that has happened to him in the past 2 years. if my suspicions was right. I was never considered to be a friend, I was never valued that way. I was another oblivion to this person. I feel crushed at the realization.

Oh that sentence is never enough to say how terrible i feel. but.

I had been trying to move on ever since.

Those two stories. Would stick to me for a very long time. Especially the great story.

This month, my eagerness to seek some side income was ignored.

I focused on learning this month.

Though sometimes I still look for jobs so I can learn whatever I need to learn so I can tailor my resume.

Below are some of the certificates I manage to acquire.

Im also now at week 7 in cs50. I started again at around april 20. A month after I left. Now Im in the territory Im already familiar with so this would be fast.

Lately, Ive also been wanting to learn more math. So maybe next month Ill acquire some understanding and certificate as well.

I dont have certificate for react and typescript but Im already getting the hang of typescript and I have the foundations for react.

I did those learning detour from cs50 because after it i wanted to open source my project which is going to be written with modern tools and really im just anxious for the final project of cs50 so thats really why.

I also signed up for codeinplace its a nice python introduction course and if youre a beginner youll have a class, where you meet online with your classmates and a team lead. This is done in batches, search it up when will be the next so you can apply for the next one if youre interested.

its free and you can sign up for it on this link

https://codeinplace.stanford.edu

and another one, its a two months program, its work setting related or something and theres some discussions about it and so i also signed up. theres a reviewal time as well so sign up accordingly to your schedule if youre interested.

https://www.mckinsey.org/our-programs/forward/overview

This was my April.

It felt different from last month in terms of overall energy and stories. But this month, had moved me forward to my goals. Next month goals feels a little terrifying. Since I would again move out of my comfort zone. Dang, each of the past months this year, had really made significant change to me than the entire year last year lol. Just kidding.