Letting go of expectations

I use to imagine what a future with someone would look like.

I wont say I'm over with it yet. But Im hoping this would be the start of its decline.

I dont really have anyone to talk to about this feelings and so Im sharing it on my little corner.

To begin, I thought , It must've been all about my expectations from the start. I never really look into how someone feels.

Who can you blame. I mean for most of us. We really only care about ourselves and I mean its in our nature. We can make sacrifices for others, but I dont think we really put ourselves in the shoes of others fully until we find ourself in the same place.

Sighs. Sometimes I still look back at how awesome the time was when we can still communicate with someone or when we truly feel seen and felt.

Would have been so wonderful to have found that person in your life and be with them for the rest of your life right?

I can only imagine, how happy you are waking up next to someone who accepts all of you.

Who can put your opinions above all of the rest.

Who treats you as a priority?

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that's terribly happy. I feel terribly happy for you.

Sometimes I wish that comes for everyone someday.

I just ever wondered when that time will come.

I mean im being dramatic and all.

But. What if it doesnt happen for everyone.

I look at the journey of some people and felt deep sadness that some people never get there.

And here I was looking like a fool like I'm the only damn one lol.

Well its different pain when you never even imagine yourself to have like that one I imagined.

Maybe youre a different person. And thats fine. Maybe one of your dream was to achieve something else and you put your time, effort and feelings on the line. Then suddenly a moment came to you and suddenly you have to give up on that dream.

You wouldve felt what I feel.

Now for me.

Its like building a future in your head. You make plans, You imagine what a day looks like. What conversations feels like. What growing older looks like with them. What the world feels like when youre with this person.

Now take that away.

It can easily tear me up when I remember how braver and happier I've become because I hold onto the memory and these expectations.

I dont really know why I feel like this.

I mean for other people its just someone, there are billions of people around the world.

I mean for me to think that way. I have to make everyone feel equally special. I mean if you think about it god made all of us equally valuable so were all equal to him.

But.

Not everyone can make you feel the same way.

Not everyone is going to like you.

Not everyone can make your life fulfilling.

And to think that you have found the person who was meant for you. And take it away is a torment.

The shift bugged me.

Thankfully, I was born with a difficult situation and so I can withstand how terrible I feel lol.

That doesnt ease the pain but at least it doesnt seem so serious when compared to my life hehe. I imagine myself saying all of these laughing with a bit of tear in the eye and Im laughing to hideaway how much I wanted to go back to the details and find that everything is forgivable. I mean this person doesnt commit a sinful act. Its just me giving weight to everything and thinking I have to leave.

But as a person who have empathy for others and responsible(or as i thought).

Its probably best to leave him that way and let him be.

We should grow on our own separate ways as it was since the beginning.

It's hard to leave all the sentiment all at once as they carry big hopes.

Its going to be a long walk of cleaning myself out of this shiny things I have attached on myself. Every one of the attachment needs to be left behind bit by bit after all thats gone.

I can safely go back to the place we met and expect nothing from anyone. Not to fulfill those dreams. Not to be with someone forever. Just people who previously had conversation.

I pray that Ill arrive at the former conclusion.

until then, its a test of strength, discipline and faith to god that everything will turn out alright. And we will eventually find peace and happiness.

Sincerely,

Louie.