In comparison

Sometimes i feel so left behind.

I look at peoples achievements and i feel soooo small.

Sometimes i don't even know why i was able to do things alone and navigate different settings and set ambitious goals. When there's nothing in my past that supports i can do great things.

Sighs.

Ever felt defeated by comparison?.

Sighhhhhs.

Growing up I focused too much of wanting to own a business, create strategies, ideas and learn abstract stuff.

Now that I'm older I realized I needed to earn money because its fundamental in our society. Not that I don't like that. The system significantly reduced the decision who gets what.

So recently I'm looking at jobs/gigs and things people outsource or hire for a decent amount right and man I wish I could've upskilled. It feels too late for my situation. I made lots of mistakes. I wished I could teach my younger self the things I learned this later or sometimes I wished someone could've taught me. Ideally it could be our parents. Unfortunately I have a divergent interest to anyone in my family and my relatives so its pretty sad going alone, traveling roads that are unseen by people closest to me.

Though back to the upskilling topic. I probably wouldnt thought about it as much as i do now if it wasnt for financial urgency.

Now i blame myself for using AI to craft for me. Instead of programming on my own and honing the skill. Now I still can't program completely on my own because I've dependent on using ai. I feel the worse.

If i was confident on programming. I could probably apply to a regular programming job but no im not.

From the start i thought programming and entrepreneurship is the closest thing I could ave to success but unfortunately i overlooked former. Now i needed it to capitalize on the skill because entrepreneurship alone without capital is just a fancy word. I know my younger self would brazenly disagree with me. i like that he can come up with creative ideas but I was living without a care in the future back then. I worry about the future but mostly because i dont know a realistic path to success and i thought everything will come easy. You know money, opportunity, people etc.

Employment never come across my mind until i needed it. I thought owning a business one day is better. I was too idealistic and impractical back then i dont know what kind of business i want and how I will get there. I have no plans, i have so many ideas.

But one day i decided to take a plunge and test myself with business so i did and it failed. Its a shame but its the walk of life without the necessary guidance.

I feel better telling all of this. It feels liberating to say that I failed in programming and entrepreneurship. Hahaha, if i was telling this to another human being and you paint a cliche picture of just swinging under a tree with someone while the sun is setting, appreciating the scenery of being on a hill overlooking a beautiful city and whips of air is blowing on your skin. ah that feels so good.

It was fun thinking what could have been and what is actually going right now. Truth is I wanted a business because I want to be in leadership, I like to be unconstrained if i can help in any way in a business operation i like to be in it I don't want to get assigned that would kill me faster than I age, I like to be inventive and be creative. I like taking risks as well, its alright for me to risk not making money for myself for a longer time if payoff can be greater than be an employee paid on wages. Two different people. One might seek a high paying job and might have built useful skillset while the other chased difference that might make a great product/idea. You know what I chosed.

Feeling fearsome and uncertain more than others is only a part of the challenge that comes with my choice. It feels terrible in the beginning especially when I compare other peoples professional achievements to mine until I remember I didn't dream to make a great resume.